You don’t find true love, you create true love.
There was a moment in time when I had lost hope in all love. Friendship, family and love love. I went three months unbeknownst to whatever was happening around me and all the support I was given by my friends post-breakup. Hopeless and “I don’t give a fuck” pretty much sums it up.
4 months, I went on a depressing cycle of yearning for love and thinking it would never happen to me. I was obsessed with searching up couples on Youtube to see what I was missing, what I could change about myself so I could find someone who will fall in love with me. I searched everywhere for love, went on numerous dates, while at the same time deep down I still held the feeling that it would never happen.
But then came my miracle.
We matched on Tinder. I know, not the most romantic beginning to a supposedly happy love story, but hey it’s 2014. We texted and snap chatted the whole night (no dirty pics ok) and met right the next day. The moment I saw him I fell head over heels. But since I crave love so badly, this wasn’t any foreign ground for me. I tend to see someone I like and fall for them hard, really fast. And at first it was the same with him. I didn’t think anything would work out but I wanted his attention for a bit. I wanted to give him everything I could give and please him. I love being loved. I loved the attention.
But he was different.
He was the first one that didn’t want to get into my pants after the first date. He was the first one who genuinely laughed at my jokes. The first one to admit that he was a little freaked out by my directness and shamelessness of expressing my feelings fully and directly. I told him I liked him the first day I met him. Of course, in typical situations boys would just back the hell out of there and pretend they never even ventured on ‘emotinon-land’. But as I said, he was different. He stayed. We met up again the next day and we grew closer and closer. I kept seeing him almost everyday for 3 weeks. There were arguments and there were definitely times when I just wanted to be boyfriends and make it official. Even though I had so little hope in love, I always wanted it to work out. And in the first few weeks this was all I could think about. I desperately wanted things to work out, but I didn’t even know him yet.
One night we got into a big fight and I ran off. I spent lots of time thinking about who I am, what I want and who he is. Do I really like him? Do I want to get to know him more? Would i want to spend my time with him? Does he only want to have sex with me?
I couldn’t answer these questions myself, but I did want to find out…
So I went back. I cried my pride away and messaged him an apology. I know he doesn’t like it when I’m all dramatic. I promised him I’d control my temper, and try my best not to freak him out. Some of you may be thinking that I’m changing myself to suit his needs, but no - he’s making me a better person. I have anxiety, so I’m extremely impatient and throw regular tantrums. He taught me how to overcome that and to be able to take everything slowly. There were other bumps in the first few weeks. Sad moments I want to forever erase from my mind and angry moments I want to pretend never ever happened. But I guess they sort opened a new page in my love diary for me…
After every kiss goodnight and his arms wrap around me to fall asleep together, I smile.
Whenever I look at him and he looks back at me and flashes his dazzling smile, I smile.
Anytime he holds my hand in public and looks at me and it feels like Christmas, I smile.
I smile because the hopelessness and my false idea of love has faded away, and has instead been replaced by something real, something true, something that gives me butterflies everyday.
Growing up watching loads of Disney, I used to believe in love at first sight, but now I realise it’s all utter bullshit. You can’t love someone without truly knowing them. You can’t love someone without eating Japanese take-out at 11pm and laughing until 3am. You can’t love someone without going to the movies and getting so scared by a sudden explosion of a tank that you jump from your seat and grab hold of their arm and bury half of your face in the soft fabric of his jacket.
I learned that true love takes time. True love is built on conversations, dinner dates, movies, strolls around the city, grocery shopping, arguments, kisses, smiles, tears, hugs, showers, and more kisses. Love isn’t black and white, but more like an endless ladder leading straight up to the sky. You can’t just fall in or out of love. You climb one step at a time. You find out what he’s insecure about. You find out what he’s proud about. You find out what he was like in high school. You find out who his closest friends are. You find out what ice-cream flavour he likes most. And one step at a time, you climb higher up the Ladder of Love. Your heart flutters when you kiss and your brain tells you to miss him when he’s not with you.
And right now if you ask me if I love him, I’ll say I’m pretty high up on the Ladder. But remember, this is a never-ending ladder. Sure, you might slip a few times, but you won’t give up if it’s what you want. There’s no goal or heaven at the end of the Ladder. In fact, I don’t think there’s an end at all. You just keep loving more and more. And that’s what I’m doing every single day. Yes, I do love him. But today I love him more than I did yesterday. And tomorrow I may love him even more than I do today.
For the lost souls who have been trying to ‘find’ love, just stop. Step back and take a moment to think about who you are first. Think about what you want. Think about when you want it. Then just keep your eyes open. Yes, you’ll see someone really attractive and instantly feel like you’re in love with them, and when that happens, congratulate yourself but also hold yourself back. Don’t fall just yet… 1 week, 3 weeks, a month… give both you and them some time to get to know each other first. And even after the initial lust wears off and you’re still ridiculously attracted to this person, don’t love just yet. Take your time and slowly climb up the ladder. And once you’ve reached a certain step, you’ll know the right thing to do.
True love - my true love - takes time. Yes, I’m impatient and can’t wait to be his boyfriend, but I’m also willing to wait because I know its worth it. I’m climbing up this Ladder and I hope I don’t ever have to let it go. My heart is pointing up and telling me to keep climbing.
The heart wants what the heart wants.